Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Weekend was BAD.
But the week started off not too badly, 'cause'
The Worst is Yet to Be.
It's time again for the Big Blow period.
It's time again to expose my already Badly Bruised 'confidence' (if there's any confidence left)
and receive each and every Big Hard Powerful Bang.
Wohoo~
I really don't know how to describe my feelings right now.
Should I be happy that I've reached my expectations? (for 1 subject)
But there's a part of my that's clearly aware that it's NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Tired.
Wanna be sent to Lala Land.
Where the Sky is white...
Clouds are pale blue
A vast land of the most beautiful things you can never find in this world
Where only beautiful things exist.
Pandora box never seen, sealed and destroyed.
Where things stay the same for Eternity.
That's my Lala Land.
Today is bad.
So will tomorrow.
It never changes.
So you'll see the same old cycle repeats the day after tomorrow,
and forever
as long as I'm on this world of reality.
It's really no use pinning so much hopes.
It really hurts when they are dashed
and that is often the case.
So i'm not hoping for anything anymore.
Not anymore.
Call me a hopeless kid...
s e n s e d @ 6:27 PM
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Tears of Heaven fell,
As lonliness engulf my already empty soul.
Giving no mercy,
The tears came harder.
I am desperate,
Scrolling down my phonebook
I message to whoever I feel appropriate
Hoping...
Hoping that someone would still be awake.
And maybe keep me company for a little while.
Desperation grew
But I gave up.
There weren't anyone
Just when I needed someone, anyone.
Not just in the night.
Not just for a day.
It has been for some time
This emptiness is here to stay
Together with fear
and Pain.
In the coziness of the house
Shut from the cold rain drops & chill
But it's raining even harder within.
Feeling even colder.
Drenched.
Soaked.
Shivering.
Smiling at my new found friend.
Maybe it's time that I really get to know my friends -
Fear, Pain and Loneliness
and learn to live with them
For the rest of my life.
s e n s e d @ 3:14 AM
Friday, September 23, 2005
I'm fine. I'm thankful.
I'm recovering...
Healing well....
A sincere 'Thank You' to all of you, my dears, out there who care.
Sorry that I've been such a nuisance.
Wed, 21 Sept.
It was last day of paper.
Went out with quite a heavy heart.
But thanks to lovely Soppy Darling.
The day sure had been brighter, and my heart lighter after that shopping trip.
I've truly enjoyed myself.
Let's do if more often after O's.
Thank you to Vivian as well.
You're sure an interesting character.
It's scary to see so many people aroung you having dangue.
So please. Everyone take good care.
Sorry to my dear classmates that I can't be part of the first class activity.
I would gladly like to be there.
Thurs, 22 Sept
quite a fruitful day of shopping...
bought so many bags...
went to quite a number of places as well.
thanks Val,
luch was really great.
a good deal..
hope I've widened your list of places of 'interest'
new library is really big...
Today, Fri, 23 Sept.
Suppose to go Crystal's house to swim.
Sudden addtion to the plan- ice skate.
I'm sorry that I can't go.
It's just that O's is yet over.
It just isn't right.
Feeling kinda sad though.
But it's ok.
Hope you all had fun...
Talking about ice-skate.
Genim, I miss those days.
Remember that guy who always seems to be at the arcade?
Let's go ice skating together after O's...
So yup.
Today has reduced to a lonely day.
Went swimming alone.
Exercised alone.
Tried to lose myself in the world of fiction.
But no worries, my dears.
I'm doing great.
Indulging myself in a romance story..
Yesterday and Today.
It's spiritually fulfilling.
But the after effect is quite bad though.
More lonely. =/
The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks is a good read.
But I'm considered happy...
Cause it's been a long time since I've got red face.
Thoughts running wild...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sop,
yup. we're champion sperm. I've already won the battle at the very beginning of life. i'll fight hard. we'll fight hard together, won't we? I love you so much...
wwei,
I'm glad that I was your pillar of support. thank you for being so supportive. i'm really thankful to have you in my life. do take good care of yourself too.. i'll always be a call away for you.
vonne,
thanks. i know you've always been cheering me on..
arica,
yup. i'll be a good senior. lead by example. i'm sure you'll find someone walk you to school..
anonymous,
who ever you are. thank you. your concern is appreciated. why not let me know who you are?
ting ting,
it's really meaningful. i'll try hard not to write a difficult script for myself.. though i'm not really an author. but i suppose my life is the story i write... maybe i'll try to use more symbols? credit all these misfortune to Crow? ha.
genim,
i'm sorry. blogging unhappiness again. but please try to understand. once i blog all the unhappiness i really feel better. and reading them again in future will serve as a learning point. it's ok, you're not harsh. I know it's for my own good. i know you care. i really miss those days. do you?
I'm so in love,
So in love with you.
I'm so in love,
If you only knew...
-I'm so in love with all of you-
Life is simply a collection of little lives,
Each lived one day at a time.
s e n s e d @ 5:51 PM
Monday, September 19, 2005
I'm down...
'You're not alone'
Yes, indeed I'm not alone going through all these paper scribbling activities just to determine your intelligence.
I'm down.
I'm drained.
I'm defeated.
I'm disheartened.
I feel like giving up.
I'm tired.
What's wrong with it being tough in my opinion.
'Why always bad' you asked.
Why can't it be bad?!
It's bad because I'm one of the stupid idiots who can't make it.
I'm a gonner, don't you just know that?
You said 'people think highly of you, but you look down on yourself'
'Nothing's wrong with that, is there?' was my very direct reply.
What's wrong with looking down on myself?
Even you replied 'nothing's wrong.'
So what's the problem with you?
You said 'just do your best'
But my best is never able to achieve what you had silently thought to be.
I'm a big disappointment, am I not?
Have you ever wonder why do I have such low self esteem?
Because no matter how well I've done since young was never good enough.
Perfections is what you ask of me.
But I'm terribly flawed.
I have no confidence.
I feel hopeless.
What say you?
SO what if I meet up to my own expections.
Yours for me are never met.
Yes, I live for myself.
But it seems I'm your puppet.
Your reflections of how well you have taken care of me.
Am I already not good enough?
On the whole I'm well behaved.
Grades. Average. At least not below average.
I wished that sometimes you'll just kill me.
I don't feel moving at all...
I just wanna stone and turn into a fossil.
And everything will be of no significance to me anymore.
Better still if you can let me disintegrate into thin air.
How about Autolysis?
s e n s e d @ 7:16 PM
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Jus what is the problem with you?
There are so many people who care about you...
But only that person's care and concern seem so important to you.
Hello?!
Wake up.
You don't even matter to that person.
I'm thankful to have found a friend like her...
Never did I expect her to wish me luck for prelims.
A Dunman girl she is.
Sweet her even offered me Lit notes.
Such an encounter had made me wonder.
Wonder what friend is really all about.
I don't really know her well.
Jus crapped together when we used to attend the same tuition.
Stopped having lessons together for a year.
Yet, the so called simple friendship stays.
It seems really ridiculous.
That someone you hardly know can be so nice and all to you.
But someone you really care for make you feel like you're non-existing.
But that person will still be regarded as a friend by you.
Jus what is Frendship all about?
I wonder...
s e n s e d @ 12:57 PM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I need someone to hold me tight.
To let me know that my presence is felt.
And to feel that I'm living in a real world.
Most importantly...
To give me strength to carry on.
s e n s e d @ 3:42 PM
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Pain
The Pain is back.
I wish that somebody will jus heck me to pieces.
With a chopper.
The Pain is coming from everywhere...
Externally.
Internally.
From every single angle.
It's a screwed up day.
Details not needed.
It's too much.
Hope it'll end by today.
It's not even half way through.
I'm so tired.
I've got no strength to carry on.
It's draining me...
It's funny how things turn around.
One moment things seems to be so perfect.
The next,
Your world jus come crumbling down.
Ha.
What kind of life do I lead?
Sometimes I think being a animal is even better than being a human.
Do you jus think so?
Living in Pain.
s e n s e d @ 3:59 PM
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Eve of major stretch of exam papers.
I'm Panicking.
Who isn't?
Maybe not as much as me...
I'm not ready.
Don't tell me you're not ready too.
Cause there are people who are ready.
Maybe just not you and not me...
I'm not sad nor am I depressed.
I've been Happy.
Over the moon.
I'm just overwhelmed by the fear of exams right now...
Lala...
I wish that I'm in that promised land that Sop promised to take me to.
I wish that I'm in that happy land of sweets.
They are all wishes.
But I'll stay.
Stay right here where truth hurts.
Where we live in self denial to survive.
And Experience the Sweet Nothings...
s e n s e d @ 5:23 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Sweet Nothings...
I finally get a taste of how it feels like
to have somebody being so super sweet to you...
Lucky me have 2 at a time... and many more behind.
So sweet.
So sweet.
Is almost everybody.
EO3 <--- Giant candy (use a little imaginations)
Sweet is the taste you gave me.
Honey is what you are to me.
Sugar is what you really need.
Sweet Nothings is all these.
s e n s e d @ 6:19 PM
Nothing's Gonna Change My Love for You`
If I had to life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so early
I might have been in love beforeBut it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They'll take us where we want to go
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You oughta know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You oughta know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you
s e n s e d @ 1:34 PM
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Even memories fade.
Sadly. It's true.
But the truth that they once exist is enough.
Sad ones can go.
Happy ones shall stay a little longer and be replaced with happier ones.
Never mind if they fade.
Jot them down before they are gone completely and keep them safe.
No matter when they're gone, they've gone to somewhere deep in the heart.
Out of the mind.
But somewhere deep in there.
s e n s e d @ 7:02 PM
